The biggest problem i've had in the past, is that my suffering and anguish have started to rule my daily interactions. The rabbi doctor Lynn Kesselman has created a system he calls the five gates to help figure out where some of these cycles started in our past, how to accept them, and how to move forward. My cycles I've uncoverd stem from much of the interaction I had as a young boy. My parents were the typical distant parents. I don't think they were ever truly loving to each other. Maybe their love died some time before I became aware. They took care of me, fed me, clothed me, made sure I went to school, that sort of care. But they were never quite encouraging of me. Dad always made sure that I did well in school, or else I'd feel the consequences on my behind. So I had a certain amount of respect, by way of fear. I guess that is the way people felt authority was doled out in those days. It seems that times now have changed... we can barely handle the crime in this country, I think that also is a problem of parenting... anyway, my parents really kept me motivated through negative reinforcement. I've now realized that I'm really just mimicking what the same behavior that my parents taught me. This was a big realization because I've integrated this painful way of reinforcing the people I love in my life, and I really didn't notice it. Even though it's so very prevalent in my every day sort of interactions. Whether its with my coworkers, my wife, my children. It scares me to think that I'm teaching my child the same thing that my father taught me.
This has been a real big awakening for me. I know now that I've seen my past cycle come up and hit me in the face, that I want to change who I am in the present. I think I'm coming to acceptance of my past interactions. I think I'm even coming to acceptance of my parents and family's past. Really I can't blame myself or even my parents. WHy should I blame anyone. Not that I'm not taking responisbilities for my actions, but jsut like some one who is sick, they can't be blamed for feeling badly. It's really a symptom of some bad expereicnes and defenses against suffering.
So back to Dr. Lynn Kesselman. His Five Gates Program is all about looking back, looking inward, to find these exact sorts of moments in time in our past that have caused us so much suffering. Only by seeing, uncovering, and realizing what has happened to us in the past, can we really start to have these epiphanies. I've started to sense a change in the way I see my interactions now, in the past, and use those realizations to help allow me to take control of my future interactions.
So here is some of what Dr. Lynn Kesselman has to say about Suffering:
Suffering is not only pain; it is the hopeless feeling that
our pains have no solution. It makes us feel alone because
we are convinced no one really knows or cares about how
If you think no one cares about how you feel, you may
be right, even though people may also tell you they care
about you and want to help you. Too often they don’t know
that how you feel is your real problem. The main thing that
matters is how you feel about yourself. As your love for
being who you are increases, you will feel less alone. In
wellness, our worries about ourselves diminish and we are
able to positively experience our connections with everything
and everyone. As you feel more connected to life your
feelings of being alone will quickly leave you.
Do you believe recovery or getting well is accomplished
by stopping “using” or not doing things others, or even you
don’t want you to do? It’s not. Instead, it’s learning how to
be happy, which means training ourselves to banish
needless fears. When you are happy, you can most easily
achieve the changes in yourself, which will change your
world. Working the Five Gates Program here will positively
change your reality.
A lot of the problems we see in our selves are caused by
“using.” Using is not only our misadventures with drugs or
other negative habits, it’s a much larger idea about how we
run away from life into habitual patterns which we use to
keep ourselves from seeing life on terms we find uncomfortable.
Using is a method by which we misdirect our
minds and senses to help us cope with our self‐doubts and
fears. Drugs, gambling, obsessive thoughts and compulsive,
escapist actions are just a small part of that list.
Recovery is equivalent to feeling great and no longer
feeling the need to escape reality at all. It’s not about your
willpower or fighting your destructive thoughts and
actions, it’s about losing your interest in thinking about,
believing in, and doing those destructive things to which
you are addicted. When you’re well, life becomes easier,
and not so much of a battle. If you can start caring more
about yourself, and caring less about how others feel about
you, you’ll be well on the road to recovery immediately.
The only other things you’ll need are a belief that you can
give yourself a happier, and a more secure life. You will
need some special thinking tools for navigating life as a
more powerful person, and practice. That’s what you will